I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
