he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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