wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
