see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
