if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
