I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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