HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
