Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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