i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
