watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
