my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
