mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I love you.
Bad choice
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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