If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
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