Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
