I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
