the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
