D3 body, D1 cock
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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