someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
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