I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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