No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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