Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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