my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This is my gift to your gina
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
