a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
