Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
