god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
youre lurking in front of me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
