I need to stop coming to work sober
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
