This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
