A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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