how can u be prego again
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
