I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
