Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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