She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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