4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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