Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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