Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
