Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i used baking grease as lip gloss
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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