I wish my penis had an off switch
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
