im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
even my farts smell like vagina
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
