I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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