dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
