I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My pussy is not your playground.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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