I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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