Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
