u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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