Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
