I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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