There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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