if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
