Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
