Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
