How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
